Readers, friends, known enemies and crawler robots sent by Google to prey on our precious information in an age of hysteria and corporate greed. Welcome back to Throwback Thursday, a chance for me, Liam, to target unsuspecting bands of various stature, and level them into the dust with witty remarks and outright exaggerations.

My target this week Two Door Cinema Club, a band known for being as Indie as Juno’s quirky boyfriend Bleeker, but unable to really secure much of a sustained musical career, as like my Grandparents, I’m not sure they are even alive.

I am of course reviewing Tourist History, a 2010 release, and no, I have not purchased it, silly naive reader. I am merely streaming it. Money does not grow on trees and nor apparently does talent. We start off with ‘Cigarettes in the theatre’ which was banned in 2003 along with smoking in many entertainment establishments. My reason for random facts is as far as this track goes, there is very little I would be allowed to say about it. It opens with an annoying almost Nokia like ringtone which descends into abstract guitar riffs and indie shenanigans. It then transitions into a powerful energy fueled trip into decent musical amalgamations to then crash into the ground face first when the lead vocalist (who I was not arsed enough to research) opens his mouth.

‘Come back home’ follows, again opening with the distinct sound of a faulty speaker, making me question if my computer is of sound mind. Again, (we will probably be using ‘again’ a lot as, for me, it conveys the futility of indie rock), we are met with that vocalists whiny tones, drifting through the air on a crisp summers day, you are at a festival, clad in your finest shorts and summery shirt, but just as the music reaches its climax you are showered with a bottle of someones piss and the music soon turns stale and generic, like a plain white t-shirt you bought at Primark.

‘Do You Want It All?’ comes next, a question I doubt the lead singer very often gets to ask the female population. This song just blends into the noise that I’ve come to associate with TDCC; it’s sort of high energy, the same guitar tone, the lead singer chanting lyrics written at 1 am in his bedroom and the drummer on auto pilot.

And now ‘This Is The Life’ starts to play and I briefly believe I’ve found solitude and safety in a indie fever dream. My hopes were soon torn asunder. The verses are generic and the only ray of light is the full chorus and the occasional enjoyable guitar riff. Weighing in a 3 minutes 30 at least I can see the end in sight.

‘Something Good Can Work’ starts with the light clean guitar track with piano accompaniment, it’s basically just a stripped back sound that they use, the singer, this time, opting for a faster pace perhaps to disguise his lack of vocal range and one trick approach to musical production. The crowd sound effects in the background, I would safely assume are not from their shows, as people appear to be enjoying the noises they are making.

‘I Can Talk’ starts with what I can’t truly convey in words, how little I enjoyed. This song can basically be written off. I am growing tired of this album and feel that the ‘deluxe’ edition was both false advertising and a poor choice on my part.

So like a good musical journalist let’s skip forward to ‘What You Know. Myself and my editor Chloe had a conversation about this song prior to me writing this article and both concluded that the song makes very little sense. That said, this song has really made the biggest impact, being used as well as ‘Undercover Martyn’ as the Reading and Leeds Festival theme way on BBC 3 (RIP) back in 2012. So, credit where credit’s due, it passed the low standards of the BBC, who, as we all know, let anything fly, especially relating to Radio 1.

So we reach the end of my review. I prefer the term musical autopsy as my style of analysis can be compared to a pit bull examining the internal organs of a deer left splayed on the concrete surface of the M25. Overall, I would decline from giving a solid rating, if forced by the band by gunpoint. However, I would give it a defying scream of a 1/10 and beg them to pull the trigger so the pain of this album would end, and I could enjoy the sweet nothingness of the next life.

Next week I will be doing a Download Festival Special, that’s two articles relating to the line up; both bands with be picked by my editor, and you never know dear reader, we may just find something tolerable. Till next time!